All I needed was a hug and that was all I'm asking for. That itself is hard to ask for let alone getting one. Guess I'm just simply scary looking. I'm not blaming anyone here but yea, I just need to say it.

T3ddy
ぼくの未来の扉どこですか

 "Eh, lets go slack somewhere"

These was the sentence that came to my mind as I was bored at home. Not wanting to watch anime. Not able to go out for a cycle cause there's a guest at home. Tired to continue on with props. Lazy to continue sewing.

I wish I had a friend that's able to go out with me at any point of time just to laze around. Having a company to talk to, wasting time away cause at that point in time it was boring. At the point in time where I feel like running away. To that point in time where I'd be feeling lost.

I seriously don't know anymore if the friends I have are actually friends. What actually defines "friends"? By definition, it means that certain someone whom one knows, likes and trusts.But on a personal definition, those stated qualities in itself isn't enough for one to be a friend. Something essential is missing from that definition.

Yea sure, I laugh and smile when I'm with a company (doesn't matter if the company is an individual or a group), but does that depict friendship between us? It may for that moment but when we go our separate ways, it feels like the friendship simply ended there. Could you even tell that weather it was happiness behind all that laughter and smiles?

For that one reason as to why I'm doubting now is because you never ever asked how I'm doing. At the very least, not even texting. Having that point of all the simplest communication cut off, it shows how much of a friend you really are. If I don't initiate, no one would. I could bet that someone would but not on an everyday basis, heck, maybe months later then someone would randomly drop a message. Else, it'll mean that you need something from me. Which in that fact itself, I've got nothing important about me. Nothing special.

My eyes teared up upon coming up with that question at the top.


T3ddy
ぼくの未来の扉どこですか

Cosfest IX - "Let's Make Friends"

The description is simple about the event: I've had the best time of  my life. Ok, maybe I say this for most major events but heck. It was  great!! I finally did something that was outta the ordinary for me.

I finally broke my virginity of cosplaying!! Yea, I finally cosplayed  for the first time in my life. I finally face the "wall of photogs" when in the past I'm always part of that wall.

"It was your first!? You seemed natural" was what Azuku said. Surprisingly I didn't feel that "stage fright". I wasn't sure as to why I wasn't that apprehensive but yea, it felt normal. So, does that mean I'll show up more as a cosplayer? I doubt so since I procrastinated a lot and I seriously took my time to make my prop which to me seemed half fuck.

A special thanks to the friends I had fun with because without them, the whole event would seemed like a bore. A great chalet mates, and great friends at another chalet and best ones that I had met at the event. I felt like I was on the tip of happiness meeting old friends and making new ones and also meeting those that I've not met yet!

But most of all,
I.WANT.MORE.HUGS!!!


T3ddy
ぼくの未来の扉どこですか？

Everyone has their needs and wants but how about the other way round? The feeling of being needed or wanted?

Things just doesn't seem to go the other way round for me I guess. Plainly to say that I'm useless in all ways. No one has ever needed my help. Or at least not that I last remember. Even if I'm needed, it feels that people need me there for their benefit and nothing for me. I simply won't get anything back in return.

What I need is simple. Friends simply talking to me. That isn't so hard after all. I simply need the feeling of being needed. That friends would usually approach me asking about random stuffs, hanging out and other possible things. I simply hate the feeling that when I don't talk to anyone, no one's gonna talk to me. Every time it's me who'd start the talking waiting for anyone to reply.

All i need is just friends who'd start talking to me. It gives me the feeling that at least I exist.

 Going to this event was somehow a bad idea. I knew that this feeling would come back again. The feeling that I know too many and not close to any. It's like saying "hi" and then "bye". The times we had fun together seemed like a past and it will never come back again.

The deeds that I've done and all I gotten back was just a simple thanks. I might sound selfish here, but hey, WHO ISN'T? Let me be selfish once a while. At least you could return me a favour. Items that has been borrowed need not be reminded cause I myself feel embarrassed of asking for it back. Take some initiative to return what's not yours. Well, you know what? Never mind. I won't lend it the next time if each and everyone doesn't remember.

You know it's funny that you come looking for me when I'm not looking or thinking about you? "I" seemed like a convenience whenever you want me. It really pisses me off cause simple messages can't be returned when I talk to you and you somehow would expect me to return your messages? Hey, I've been returning ALL your messages, why can't mine be returned?

Anyways, I guess I should be more selfish on others if they are doing for themselves. Speaking from the very bottom of my heart, I really cared about you guys but you guys can't be bothered about me. Is it that hard to talk to me? Just one single person.

T3ddy
ぼくの未来の扉どこですか？

Looking back now, I came to a realisation. The reason as to why people don't take me seriously when I'm mot feeling well or being myself.

The answer has been there all this while, right smack in front of me face. The answer is simply because of me.

Whenever I'm mot feeling well or not being myself, I tend to show that I'm fine and that I will do what I normally do. Like eating normally such as drinking fizzy drink, eating chips and even ice cream!

One more thing as to why I tend to act normally is because I don't want to be pitied. But it seems that I will complain about it. Seems like people really judge on looks. I may appear fine but I might not be fine. So please at least not bombard me with big tasks. Start small so that I can at least do something.

T3ddy
ぼくの未来の扉どこですか？

HOHOHO!!!!


The very first post of the year. I guess I was simply too lazy to blog about my new year's resolution and which shows that no one will know what I wanna do for this year. YEAH!

Oh yea, reason why I started to post again was on pure impulse. Guess the feeling of being lonely is growing in me. I really need to find that special someone whom I can really pour out my all onto and that the person is able to understand my feelings. Quite impossible to find such a person but it's ok, I guess I can wait.

Watching loads of animes and it's been showing about one guy having a harem of girls and it kinda felt lucky for that guy. I don't need a harem but maybe a girl who would really be damn close to me. Talk about anything in the world without much care regardless of gender and religion.

By the way, just to take note of myself, seems like each day, I really need someone to talk to. No, not my family but my friends. I really hate it when there's a day no one would come talk to me but then again, it's all about initiation. I would be the one starting the conversation. RARELY has it been the other way which is very vexing. No one would feel weird if I stopped talking to them the whole week. To me, it'll feel weird since it's a norm when talking to a person everyday and suddenly that person stopped replying for even a day.

Over sensitive I may be. Thinking too much I guess. Emo, I'm definitely not. Hey, is it really true that I think too much to the point that I'm too sensitive and that I may turn out to be emo after finding out something out of the ordinary from thinking too much?


Regards,
T3ddy
僕の未来の扉どこですか？

Yea, fifty bucks might seem like it's nothing but that's A LOT COMING OUT FROM FUCKING NS PAY. Do consider that I'm only surviving with this fucked up pay and not from anyone else anymore. SO why squeeze it out of me when I can barely survive?
=.=